Their Memories
by Symplegas
Summary: "Yes" Leia finally replies, a small smile tugging at her lips "I can tell you about her". Rey talks with Leia after the battle on Crait; the General is broken. A story of healing through the narration of memories. Leia Organa/Amilyn Holdo
1. Prologue

**Their Memories**

The realization comes out of the blue, while you're talking with the General – no, _Leia_ , as she so fervently insisted you call her.

You are both mourning the death of Luke and you know that your suffering must be less than a tenth of what she's going through: you had only known him for a couple of days, and in your mind he was starting to become a mentor, a _father figure_ – as stupid Kylo Ren put it – and you understand that the feeling of loss you have right now is more for the loss of another potential father than for the man himself; but Leia has just lost her own _twin_ brother.

Still, it hurts, and the Force – the power that should be helping you through this – is not helping at all: the Force is strong in General Leia Organa, sole surviving pillar of the Resistance, but it comes off her in waves of sadness and sorrow and you don't have a single idea of what to do to make it better.

Time is always the answer when it comes to this, but you know that time is among the – plenty – of things the Resistance is short of at the moment.

And you all need the fierce General to survive, not its broken and empty vessel; so you go talk to her, even if you don't know what to say.

Turns out, you don't need to.

As she opens the door and looks at you, she seems to know what you came for: she doesn't utter a word, but her piercing eyes lock with yours and she just nods and let you enter her room.

You sit at the edge of the bed, fidgeting with your hands, until she stops you by taking them into hers.

"The Resistance needs a strong leader, I'm aware of that" she starts "But I think I'm no longer capable of being that figure anymore".

You want to protest but she gives you _that_ look, the one she perfectioned during her years as leader, and you shut your mouth.

"All these losses are weighting me down, they are too many, too close to one another.. And after what you told me about Ben, after what I _saw_ …"

She sighs and folds her hands in her lap.

"As much as it pains me, I'm afraid I would be more of a burden as High General of the new Resistance than actual help.."

"But Leia.." you try again, only for her to stand up and start pacing the tiny room.

"No, no, I can't stand it anymore.. I don't want to be responsible of more deaths, my hearth couldn't take it."

You don't know what to say, you understand the immense burden she carried all this time, and you can't honestly blame her for not wanting it anymore.

"But Luke would've wanted th.." you start, but are interrupted again - in any other circumstance you would start to be annoyed.

"Luke wouldn't have any saying in this matter.." she spats back, her voice laced with venom "He left, didn't he? He left for _years_ , Rey, and even if he had his reasons to do that, it doesn't change the fact that he left an outnumbered and broken Resistance, he left his _family_ , and went to live as a hermit just because he felt _ashamed_!"

"But he came back in the end, he saved us all" you point out, feeling the need to protect your - even if short-timed - Master.

Leia sights again and finally stops pacing.

"That he did: he sacrificed himself to let us escape, and I'll always be forever grateful for that. But I cannot help to feel a tiny bit angry at him, for all the things that could have gone differently if he stayed… And now we have to start again: the Resistance has never been this vulnerable, we lost precious people - both pilots and strategists - and I'm tired…" she trails off and you can see tears she's fighting to keep at bay.

You want to hug her and reassure her that everything will be alright, but that would be a massive lie and you're not sure she would appreciate that.

Instead, you opt for the truth.

"I understand, Leia, I really do.. But we need you to go out there and start giving orders, even if they're just for show, to make people believe there is still a chance for us! What do you think they're all thinking right now? That this is it, we're done, we might as well surrender, or hide somewhere and live the rest of our lives at the edge of the universe.. We need you to show us there's still hope!"

You think this speech might have convinced her just a little, but all your hopes vanish the moment she sits down and lowers her eyes to the floor.

She looks much older now.

"I can't" she mutters, with finality.

"Please, General! We are all grieving someone and no one expects you not to mourn Master Luke but…"

"You don't understand, Rey, this is not about Luke…" she explains, locking eyes with yours.

The bluntness of this confession startles you and you register - albeit late – that she's now crying.

"As I told you before, I'm still angry at Luke for what he did and as much as I loved him, I admit I started to say goodbye to him a long time ago: when he left, I had this feeling that it would be the last time. And that it was, in a sense.."

Now the words keep coming in a rush, and you can barely focus on their meaning in between staring at the tears that are flowing down her cheeks.

"But in the last weeks I lost more than my brother: I lost Han, and even if things didn't work out between us in the end, and he left me too to do his goddamn smuggling, a part of me still cared bout him.. and with Han, I lost all hope to bring back my son from the darkness.

I hope you never know the excruciating pain that comes from realizing that the enemy you sworn to protect your people from is your own son.. And that is one of the reasons why I cannot be your leader anymore: while Snoke was there, I could lie to myself and say that there was still hope, even if the chances of Ben coming back were slim at best. I cannot be the leader you need now, because I know he's lost, and I refuse to be the one in charge to bring him down."

Leia is shaking at this point, but you're too afraid she will stop speaking that you can't bring yourself to do anything about it; she seems to have forgotten you're even there.

The hair at the base of your neck is standing still and a sense of uneasiness is taking control of your surroundings, a feeling you can only associate with the dark and cold place back at the island, the feeling of the _dark side_.

"And I feel like I'm already dead inside, because how could my heart still beat after loosing Amilin too? How can I survive not having her here, on top of all these other things? Loyal and fierce Amilyn.. sweet and caring, and so breathtakingly beautiful.. She has always been there by my side, through good and bad, and never wavered, not once! She was the one who picked up the pieces when Ben left, and then Han and Luke, and the First Order became stronger and stronger…

Amilyn was there, always, with her dashing smile and cunning remarks, and I felt like I could hope for the best, even when all seemed lost: she would take my hands and kiss every knuckle and promise me that the Force would find a way to bring us all together" her voice breaks mid speech, and the desperation she radiates is so strong you can feel it permeate through your bones.

You want to back away, to remove yourself from this darkness, but you find yourself incapable of moving just like you were in front of Snoke not long ago.

"Yes, I _must_ be dead inside, because all I want now is giving a purpose to her death: I want to personally end every single person bearing the First Order insignia, the same First Order that stands at my son's command".

The room is shaking, you can feel it now, and you're afraid.

This woman in front of you is slowly breaking down and you fear what might happen if you don't stop her, so you stand up and – against all your instincts screaming for you to run –hesitantly wrap your arms around her shoulders and hug her.

And in that hug, you find that you don't have to be afraid of the dark anymore, because the light is coming from you and, together, the balance prevails, there is just the Force.

After a while, you feel your hug is being reciprocated and Leia starts to calm down; you don't let go though and soon it feels like you are the one being comforted.

She left you speechless, there's not a single thing you can think of that might make it better.

After all, you have no experience whatsoever of this kind of things: in Jakku you didn't interact with that many people and, when you found BB-8 and Finn, things sort of spiralled out of control and, in a blink of an eye, you were fighting Stormtroopers, facing Snoke and battling Kylo Ren – her _goddamn_ son.

You don't know anything about family – except rejection, that you know all too well – and especially about love, but you think you can feel it, emanating so strong, but also broken, from the woman hugging you.

You think that, if this is the price to pay, you never want to experience something like it.

You wonder how powerful love might be, if it managed to break down freaking Leia Organa, the pillar of the Resistance, the woman who managed to resist Dart Vader, her father, and lead the legendary Rebellion against the Empire, without doubting for a single second the right path.

Love reduced _the_ General, your idol, in a shell of a being, with so many contrasting feelings that you actually think that she might physically divide in two any moment; what can you ever say that she doesn't know yet?

You didn't know Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo at all, but you heard all that happened from Poe Dameron, the pilot, who reluctantly admitted its faults in the recent events.

From what he said, she must have been one hell of a strategist and you wish you had the chance to meet her, but neither he, nor anyone else you talked to, told you how she was outside the cockpit; you briefly wonder if this woman in front of you is the only person still alive with that sort of information.

Before you can stop yourself, you just ask her.

Well, more of blurt it out.

"Can you tell me about her?"

Leia stills for a moment and you are afraid you said the wrong thing, but then you feel her relax a bit more – you are still hugging, but it doesn't feel weird – and the air around you two calms down until the Force resonates with just _peacefulness._

"Yes" Leia finally replies, a small smile tugging at her lips "I can tell you about her".

And it's in this moment that you realize that, maybe, what you thought earlier was _oh so very wrong_ , because that small smile manages to reach her eyes and you know that the warmth and happiness you are feeling right now comes from Leia, her memories – no, _their_ memories.

You realize that if there's someone out there who could make you feel this way just by thinking about them, you might, after all, be willing to take the risk.


	2. Chapter 1 - Caring is Weakness

**Their Memories - Chapter 1: Caring is Weakness**

You're sulking by the time you finally manage to talk to Leia again.

She's still in her room in the Millennium Falcon, refusing to participate in any sort of activity that doesn't involve sitting silently by herself, and, frankly, it's starting to piss you off.

Even though the words were _laying low_ and _tactic break_ , you know that the Resistance is in fact hiding, and it's even more infuriating to be the only one willing to admit that.

Every day for the past week you've been sent outside, all wrapped up in layers to keep the sand and prying eyes away from you; that's right, the sand.

The _amazing_ new is that you're back on Jakku, hiding among the ruins of a Star Destroyer, and if it wasn't for the constant presence of one pilot or another with you, you would think you'd never left the planet in the first place.

You still don't know whose idea was to come to this godforsaken planet, and a small – _really_ tiny – part of your brain tells you that this was maybe a good strategy: as even Master Luke said, Jakku is ' _pretty much nowhere'_ , at the far edge of the galaxy, and you know the planet pretty well.

That being said, your lack of enthusiasm has been noted and – in some cases, especially by Finn – made fun of.

Just today, he came with you to explore another village in search of supplies and, most importantly, information about the First Order, and you came really close to strangle him since he didn't stop talking for a second.

The first topic was, _of course_ , Rose, whom he talked about for the first hour and a half without a single input from you; by the time he realized you had lost interest in the conversation, he immediately started making fun of your glaring at the sand, and that was it until the afternoon, when you threatened to drown him in the filthy water fountain in the middle of the village.

And the cherry on top was that your trip was completely useless: it seems that on this part of Jakku people don't really care about the First Order, so you weren't able to recruit new members nor plant the seed of rebellion.

You sigh and drag yourself inside the Falcon; the temptation to go straight to your bed and just sleep is strong, but you know you need to report to the others, so you make your way to the centre, where you find a bunch of pilots and Poe talking quietly.

The chain of command is still a mess: with no one in the high ranks to take the lead, decisions are made by talking and voting all together.

Needless to say, that takes a lot of time and almost always ends with someone leaving the room shouting.

"The village was a waste of time" your statement startles some of the pilots, who didn't see you entering the ship.

Poe instead sighs and opens a map of the area on the big central hologram, crossing it out with a big red X.

"Ok, that was the last one nearby. Maybe we should try bigger ports on the other side of the planet?" he asks the room.

And here it goes again: everyone starts talking at the same time and you swear your head might explode if you stay there another minute.

Quietly, you remove yourself from the conversation, and head towards the back of the ship, where it's empty.

"You know" a voice stops you "that is the reason why they don't have us pilots making decisions".

Startled, you turn around, already reaching for your lightsabre.

The woman in front of you raises her hands in sign of surrender, and gives you a small smile.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to follow you" she says, "But I figured your idea wasn't that bad, they are quite loud and annoying".

You relax and take a moment to look at her: she's one of the pilots, that you know, but you don't think you have talked before.

She comes to the same conclusion, apparently.

"Oh, I'm Jessika, by the way" she says and stretches out her hand to shake.

"Rey".

"Yes, I know" Jessika chuckles.

You don't know how to reply to that, you're not used to small talk after all, so you turn around and scan the room for somewhere to sit; in the end, you hop on a barrel and cross your legs under you.

Jessika shuffles her feet but stays there; an awkward moment stretches out before she decides to speak again.

"I thought by now we would have a plan" she finally admits, sighing "It's been a week and I feel like we are just waiting here for the First Order to find us, so we have an excuse to move again".

"Yes" you say, "This wasn't my first choice either".

Silence descends upon you again.

"So… Any progress with the General?" Jessika asks tentatively "I heard you're the only one who managed to talk to her".

You shake your head.

"Just once, a couple of days ago, then she said she was sick and needed to recover in her room".

"Well… Maybe you could go check on her" Jessika suggests.

You're physically and mentally exhausted, but guilt, and worry, start to invade you, so you nod and stand up.

Jessika looks a bit put out by your sudden movement and you realize that maybe she didn't mean for you to go _right now_ , but by then, you've already said goodbye and are halfway there, so you just shrug it off.

 _'Plenty of time to talk, when you're in the middle of the desert'._

You knock lightly on Leia's door, taking a small breath.

A whole minute passes before the door opens and she's standing in front of you, but you find yourself unable to formulate a word.

After a while, she takes pity on your awkwardness and finally speaks.

"The answer is still no" she says, and moves to close the door again.

You panic and take a step forward, keeping it forcefully open.

"I'm not here for that!" you blurt out.

 _'Liar'_ your mind calls you, but you don't care, as long as Leia doesn't throw you out.

The General seems to sense the lie but doesn't call you out on that, she just stares with her piercing eyes focused on yours and you feel the urge to clarify.

"I-I mean… You said we could talk… about other things" you stutter, looking shyly to the floor, "…about _her_ ".

Ok, so that wasn't the original plan at all and, to be honest, you feel a bit guilty to use _her_ as a way to get Leia to talk; you tell yourself that just this time it's alright though, you're not suddenly a manipulative Sith Lord, just a – sometimes - clever girl that wants to talk with her idol and make her feel a bit better.

It works, in the end: Leia lets you inside the room and closes the door.

You automatically sit on the bed, in the same spot of last time, before realizing that maybe you should have waited for an invite, but Leia doesn't seem to mind.

She seems to be contemplating something, so you just wait…

…and wait and wait.

You're starting to compare her to her brooding and stubborn brother, when she finally speaks.

 __Leia__

 _"This is a suicide" I mutter._

 _My father, previously known as Senator Organa, now one of the strategists of the Rebellion against the Galactic Empire, has sent me to Tatooine to get in contact with one of his former allies during the clone wars, the Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi._

 _We were half-way there, when we got the call and changed direction._

 _To be honest, I don't really think this mission is going to end well, especially for those who are down on the Scarif base, but I'm trying to keep my doubts to myself, since I don't want to spoil the enthusiasm that seems to have infused every living soul in the Rebellion._

 _Well, everyone except for me and Amilyn._

 _I sigh._

 _Amilyn insisted on coming with me to this mission, she_ begged _me to bring her with me, but I told her to stay behind so she could handle the political repercussions in the royal name if the Empire finds out that Alderaan is involved with the Rebellion, now that both father and I are away._

 _Now that the plan has changed, I'm glad I forced her to stay._

 _The truth is, I have this sinking feeling that it's going to be a catastrophe and I'm at the verge of panic: what if we don't manage to retrieve the plans and the Empire slaughters us? And even if we do, how much is this improvisation going to cost us, anyway?_

 _Amilyn called me as soon as the information reached her: she's more worried about me getting hurt or captured than anything else._

 _I told her that I'm supposed to be the least of her worries if it comes to that, but her stubbornness is one of the things she's most known for.._

'That, and her beauty' _._

 _I sigh again._

 _I hope everything turns out for the best, I couldn't live with myself if she launched a rescue mission and got killed in the process._

 _The Tantive IV, bless its core hyperdrive, is in no shape to fight - since we were meant for a completely different mission - so it doesn't come as a surprise when Captain Antilles, backed up by the annoying C3-BO, quietly tells me that, should a direct attack strike, our chances to survive would be nearly none._

 _Ironically enough, just mere minutes after that we are preparing to jump at lightspeed chased by none other than Darth Vader, carrying the one piece of information that could stop the Empire._

'The one piece of information he would do anything to get back'.

 _C3-BO estimates now that our chance to survive is down to 1 in 62000897 and I'm beginning to think he has become pretty optimistic._

 _I try to collect myself and, with the last spark of hope I can gather, I trust the plans and a message for the Jedi master in a little astromech droid._

 _Then I grab my blaster and face the Empire._

 _Pain is all I can feel, it's all around me._

 _Deep down, I know what they're doing, I know that they're torturing me; they've been doing it for ages, it seems._

'Stay strong' _keeps saying a voice in my head, a feminine voice._

 _It feels like it's Amilyn trying to comfort me._

 _It almost makes all the pain go away._

 _When the physical pain stops I almost wish it didn't, because then there's_ him _invading my mind, scanning my thoughts, my memories._

 _All the training I did in the past years comes in hand, and I'm able to keep out of his reach the information he so desperately wants._

 _But to do so, I have to focus on something, and that something is the mistake I make._

 _When the first attack is over I'm drenched and mentally exhausted, but proud of the resistance I put on; my enemy, though, seems elated._

 _"They certainly taught you well" says Darth Vader, in his deep robotic voice "But not well enough"._

 _At my confused silence, he goes on with his monologue._

 _"You have a powerful mind, I bet it was not difficult for you to learn how to shield it from unwanted attention.. The thing that your teacher probably should have told you though, is that you don't have to focus on something you care about this much to do so._ Especially _when it can be used against you"._

 _My mind is so foggy that it takes a while for the words to sink in._

 _"After all,_ caring _is weakness" he finishes._

 _I'm almost certain he's smirking under the mask._

 _Then the images assault me._

 _It's her, it's all her every time._

 _The background changes, the people all around too, but not her: she's always there, suffering._

'Because of me'.

 _Every vision brings a new Amilyn, crying at first, then shouting at me; then she's in pain._

 _I'm the one hurting her that much, I realize._

 _It always ends with her begging me to kill her._

 _And I do._

 _By the end of it I'm shaking so much that he calls a droid to give me a sedative; my mind is a mess and I realize, afterwards, that my distress prevented him to find the information about the droids._

 _I think he underestimated my affection for her._

 _That thought alone brings a small smile to my tired face._

 _An unpleasant feeling starts to take hold of me, when they are taking me to Grand Moff Tarkin._

 _Something is_ definitely _wrong._

'I hope the Rebellion is safe'.

 _Seeing the old man, standing there with his smug grin, brings up the hatred I have for him, and some of my distinctive boldness._

 _"Governor Tarkin! I should've expected to find you holding Vader's leash.. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board"._

 _His grin only widens._

 _"Charming, to the last. You don't know how hard I found it, signing the order to terminate your life"._

 _"I'm surprised you had the courage to take that responsibility yourself" I shoot back, glaring._

 _Tarkin doesn't seem to be bothered._

 _"Princess Leia, before your execution I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now"._

 _"The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star system will slip through your fingers" I reply, refusing to be intimidated._

 _"Not after we demonstrate the power of this station" he holds up a finger, in a fashion that reminds me of my old, much hated, teacher "In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that will be destroyed first"._

 _He walks around the room, in front of the glass that looks right across a very familiar sight._

 _"Since you are reluctant to provide the location of the rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power on your home planet of Alderaan"._

 _This can't be true._

 _"No! Alderaan is peaceful, we have no weapons! You can't possibly…"_

 _"You will provide another target? A military target?" he cuts me off, narrowing his eyes "Then name the system!"_

 _I stay quiet, I'm having an internal panic attack: they trusted me with their plans, I can't betray them._

 _I can't._

 _But if I don't.._

 _"I grow tired of asking this, so it will be the last time: where is the rebel base?" he corners me until my back hits the unmovable armour of the_ dog _he keeps around._

 _"Dantooine.. They're on Dantooine" I lower my gaze, sighing._

 _"There, you see Lord Vader, she can be reasonable" he taunts me, smiling, then he turns back "Continue with the operation, you may fire when ready"._

 _I freeze, this is_ not _happening._

 _"WHAT?!"_

'Please, let it be another nightmare'.

 _"You're far too trusting! Dantooine is too remote to make an effective demonstration but don't worry, we will deal with your rebel friends soon enough"._

 _"Nooo!" I lunge at him, but the firm grip of Vader on my shoulder prevents me to do anything beside standing there and watching the inevitable happen._

 _How do I save a whole planet, after I practically put it to death myself?_

 _Time seems to slow down, while I watch the charging of the station._

 _Then a green light is all I see, and my heart breaks: Alderaan, beautiful, peaceful Alderaan, is gone._

 _Its people, gone; my family, gone._

 _And Amilyn._

'Oh Amilyn..'

 _I can't breathe, I feel like something is squeezing the life out of me._

'Please, please, let it be another nightmare'.

 _I realize I'm back in the small cell again when Lord Vader closes the door._

 _"Caring is weakness" I hear him say._

 _Somewhere, deep down, a barely conscious part of me agrees with him._

 ___ Rey_

You know she must see your confusion, written all over your face: there are so many things you want to ask her, but somehow you end up saying the most obvious one.

"But.. but she survived!" you point out.

The look she gives you makes you feel really dumb; you blush.

"Yes, she left Alderaan mere minutes after she called me.. She survived, that stubborn woman" she explains, sighing.

"So why.." you manage to stop yourself from blurting an even more embarrassing question.

Why did she end up with Han then? She _loved_ Amilyn! Even if you were blind _and_ deaf, you would have no doubts about that: the raw and genuine emotion you can feel while she talks about the woman leaves no doubt.

Your awkwardness brings Leia to smile for the first time since you entered the room: it makes you feel a little proud.

"You know, for someone destined to be the last Jedi, you are quite incapable of shielding your thoughts" she notes, amused.

You blush even more.

Did she just read your mind? Is that even possible, for someone who's not a Force sensitive?

 _'Well, if what they told me is true, then she must be more in touch with the Force than all of us combined.. she survived a bombing AND the freaking cold Space, after all, and even came flying back'_.

"You're wondering how Han and I came to be together, aren't you?" she asks.

Well, busted.

"More like, _why_?" you shyly admit.

She smiles again, but this time it doesn't reach her eyes.

"Amilyn and I were reunited many years after that" she admits "I thought she was dead.. I thought I lost her when Alderaan was destroyed".

Leia looks away, almost angrily.

"If only I had known.." she adds, as an afterthought.

Your mind starts to wonder, what would she had done in that case?

"W-what happened?" you ask, instead.

She sighs and stands up from the precarious sit she has been perched on all this time.

"Well, that is another story: one Amilyn was very fond of. I wished she could tell it herself, she always made it sound much more adventurous and _definitely_ less reckless that it actually was".

A warm, fuzzy feeling takes hold of you and you realize that you would really like the opportunity to get to know Amilyn for real.

You can almost picture it in your mind: Leia introducing the two of you, Amilyn smiling and laughing and you all blushing and awkward eager to listen to the stories of their past adventures.

Finn would surely make fun of you for that and you would try to keep it a secret for as long as you could.

After a while, Leia's words bring you out of your reverie.

"I'm afraid it has to wait for another time though" she says, "It's late, you should get some sleep".

She's right, you're tired and sleepy, so you nod absentmindedly and head for the door, all the way muffling a gigantic yawn; before she closes it, though, you remember something.

"Thank you Leia.. Ahem, before I go, can I ask you one more thing?"

She just nods.

"What is this reckless adventure about?"

So, patience is supposed to be a virtue of the Jedi, but you are too curious to _not_ ask.

Leia smiles, a fond expression on her face.

"The battle of Chyron Belt" she says.

Your excited face must be really comical, because she barely manages to close the door before letting out a soft laugh.

* * *

Hello! First thing first, I would like to apologize for the long time it took me to update, I'll try to do that more frequently! Also, this is the first time I wrote such a long story in English (and found the courage to publish it) so I'm sorry for the mistakes, I'll try to be more careful!

I would like to thank all the people who added this story to favourites/ followed/reviewed and all those who took some time to read it!  
I will write in each chapter a story from the past and a Rey-centric part set in the present.

Well, that said, I hope you liked it!

Disclaimer: Star Wars and the dialogue between Grand Moff Tarkin and Pricess Leia belongs to the amazing script of George Lucas.


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